I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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