i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
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