Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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