how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
