Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
