I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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