Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
