i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
