I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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