He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
