I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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