im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
