went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
