I look better un-naked...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
