She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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