Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
