my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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