god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
