I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
