what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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