I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I have so many feelings about this burrito
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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