you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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