I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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