Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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