Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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