dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
