Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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