I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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