Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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