im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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