you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
