Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
