Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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