i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize