theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
zippers are such a cool invention
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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