I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize