i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
