she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
