So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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