I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
