Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
