Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Found your dick twin last night
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
