He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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