Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
is it fun? or sober?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
