I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
