his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
