I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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