On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
