So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
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