Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
