i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
