I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize