I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
