Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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