I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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