you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
