I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
