I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize