you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
